Nitz the Bloody: Summer Special #1: Diablotronic
By Neil Kapit
A small, homely college student, acne-ridden and somewhat thick around the middle, with uncombed dirty blond hair, stands before an wall of steel and silicon. “ I want out, Derek “, he angrily pleads.
“ Don’t call me by that name, lackey, “ a cybernetically altered voice replies. “ Call me by my self-baptized name. “
” Ok,Adversarius, whatever you say. I have a name besides lackey, too. “, he sarcastically retorts. “ The point is, I’m sick of this life. I’m sick of being a wanted fugitive, I’m sick of hiding out below sea level, and I’m sick of having to kill for a living. “
” You know as well as I do that I’ve erased our names from the FBI’s most wanted list. But what’s really bothering you, lackey? “
“ What’s bothering me? Look at you! You’re not even human any more! You’re an artificially preserved center of a robotic laboratory! I just want to go home, finish college, and live a nice, normal life. I’m sick of being your sidekick. “
” Fine, whatever you say. Your body is free to leave whenever you want. “
” You’re not going to try to kill me? “
” Just go, lackey. “
The ” Lackey “ walks away across a floor of metal tiles. He thinks, this has to be a trick. My old friend is a mass-murdering megalomaniac psychopath. He’d never just let me leave. He continues walking.
He is proven right.
Metal tentacles burst from the tile in front of him. They wrap themselves around his torso, constricting around his chest rapidly. He feels sharp pains for a moment, but his oxygen soon runs out, and he drifts into unconsciousness. The last thing he sees is a tentacle holding a large drill.
“ I said your body could leave, “ the speakers announce. “ Your mind, however, will need a few alterations. I’ll just have to drill all that nasty knowledge of me out of your head, then you’re free to go. “
He chuckles. “ Assuming, of course, the lobotomy leaves you with enough motor functions to walk. “
Derek “ Adversarius “ Walters always knew exactly what he wanted to do when he grew up; rule the world.
Unfortunately, living in a small suburban home in Texas, he didn’t start out with much power. So he constantly looked for ways to increase his hold over the world that had so mistreated him, called him names and gave him wedgies. Finally, at age 5, he played a game on his father’s Apple 2, and realized what he had to do.
He had to use robotics for his control.
So young Derek obsessively worked with machines for as long as he could remember. Watching “ Star Wars “ fervently, he built his own working R2-D2 out of spare parts in the garage when he was 8. At age 11, his love of Star Trek manifested itself in a working phaser, which the homeroom teacher unfortunately confiscated. At age 13, inspired by his hero Victor Von Doom, he built his own suit of armor, and spent years stealing from various banks and stores under the name Adversarius, hoarding the money he needed.
Finally, at age 19, when he went off to Parodopolis University, he met a kindred spirit in Stanley Georgeson, someone with similar knowledge of robots and sci-fi culture. They used their combined knowledge and Derek’s money to build their own laboratory under Parodopolis Sound, complete with a legion of robotic servants. One of those robots, the Iron Centurion, was sent out to collect for Derek the money and parts he needed, by any means necessary. This has led him to conflicts with the authorities, and worse, super-powered vigilantes who don’t jibe with Derek’s dreams.
Now, the Iron Centurion has a request of Derek.
“ I require a companion, “ the large, armored robot shouts. “ Build me one! “
Derek sits in a hovering black chair, a large keyboard in his lap. He wears nothing, but his body is coated with various ports and hooks, his spine locked into the chair. Large plastic plates run across his head, and small green telescopes replace his eyes.
“ Well, IC, what have you done for me lately? “
” I have plundered the parts from Bautista Enterprises, “ the robot yells, unable to modulate his tone. “ I have demolished all opposition. “
” The cops? They couldn’t find their own asses with a thermal sensory lens. What about those so-called super-heroes. “
” I escaped before they could catch me. The Nitz unit put up a substantial fight, but I managed to escape him. “
” But you didn’t kill him? “
” You try killing the Nitz unit. He is beyond our science! His words turn into spells, and those spells have destroyed me many times! I WILL CRUSH HIM! I AM THE IRON CENTURION! I AM A STATE-OF-THE-ART FIGHTING MACHINE! “
“ Looks like someone needs the power of positive thinking. What do we say about Nitz? “
The robot growls, creating a sound like a metal rod rubbing across a rusty cheese grater. “ He is just an anomaly we will easily correct. “
” Good boy. Now, I‘ve made you your “ companion “. Follow me. “
The robot stomps across the tiles with his large boots, as he trails the man in the chair. They arrive at a rectangular tile. Emerging from it is a long white table. Nothing is on it, just white surface.
“ What is this, that irritating human concept known as humor? “ the robot wonders.
“ She was SUPPOSED to be here, “ Derek growls. “ Why isn’t she here?! “
” What is she, “ the robot asks. “ The mate I have been looking for, the fellow robot to ease my crushing loneliness? “
” She was a new, malleable mass of smart circuits, able to configure into any shape. She was my greatest creation. WHERE IS SHE! “ He raises an arm off the keyboard, shaking a fist of metal-plated fingers, and then slamming it on the dash.
A long silence follows.
“ Maybe the Nitz unit stole her, “ the Centurion suggests.
“ Don’t be stupid, “ Derek condescends. “ What use would Nitz have for a techno-organism? He can pull anything out of his ass with the suffix “ Eku “. “
“ I still want to CRUSH HIM! “
“ So do I, big buddy. So do I. But first we have to find your “ bride “ before she gets into any trouble... “
NEXT: What has Nitz been up to all this time? Do we even care? Stay tuned.
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